I don't think I can do this anymore. . .

Tonight, I received word that Buddy, a Samoyed that I helped place with a family in Santa Cruz, had gotten out the front door of the family's home and was struck and killed by a car.  This is exactly the scenario we had hoped to prevent when we placed Buddy with the family.  This was why his former family had given him up.  Buddy was a runner and he bolted when the door was opened.  The family knew this.  This was a big issue.  We stressed the importance of keeping a watchful eye on him.  But Buddy is dead despite all the warnings.

I truly know that there is no blame to be laid upon anyone.  Accidents happen even in the most careful situations.  That being said, I still feel that I am to blame in part because I chose Buddy's new family.  I thought he would be safe with them.  I let Buddy down.  I let his former family down.

It has been a particularly difficult year for me working with the rescue.  There have been more times of sadness than times of joy.   I made a commitment to help homeless Samoyed.  But this year, there were many times that I felt helpless or hopeless.  Maybe it takes someone whose heart is not so squarely worn upon the sleeve to do this work.

Buddy's death has shaken me deeply - and my feelings are out of proportion to the incident.  I feel like crawling under the covers and pulling the blanket over my head.  I don't think I can do this anymore.